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m1mcmaho
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Name: Michael
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 6/2/1980
Gender: Male
Interests: God
Shannon
Guitar - worship
Fantasy - books, DND, Naruto
Sports - whatever
Art - paint, pastel, draw
Expertise: Generally, I'm really good and being humbled by my own mistakes and inserting my foot pretty far down my throat.
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  m1mcmaho
Member Since:
8/14/2003
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| Last Entry...
Well, as you can tell by comparing the dates of my previous post, this journal is dead. But... I have just begun a new blog: teaMCMAN.blogspot.com. Shannon Ross and I were married on December 31, 2005 and we will be posting together from now on. Yah! If anyone was holding out to see if I would post again, you're time of waiting is over. Now you can enjoy new fresh thoughts from me as well as my new bride.
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| It's good to be the King....'s Friend!
Wow! It's been so long since I last posted. Over a month.
I've been really lazy and am sorry to all who read and to myself for
not keeping track of what God is doing in my life.
Today is my day of deliverance! I have waited just over two
months to see Shannon again since I got back from Bolivia. She's
been waiting 5 months and 3 weeks to come back home. It will be a
happy moment when I step onto the plane tonight at 11pm and and
overflowing moment of joy when I step off the other plane around 11am
Easter Standard Time to step into the arms of my lovely bride,
Shannon. I've been longing for this for what seems too
long. I praise God for what He's done in us these past 6 months,
but even moreso in the past 2 months. After getting engaged, we
began to see much fruit in our lives such as joy, patience, peace and
hope. He's brought much healing and I don't thank Him enough for
it. It's true what people say: we need to thank God everyday and
sing and tell about Him or else we'll become stagnant in our faith...
We'll become self-centered and forget His goodness and become prideful.
Today in church I felt more at home than I have in a while. My
definition of home has changed much in the past six years. At
times it's been a physical place, a relationship, a practice or
occupation. But I believe that I will never know a home so full
and rich as Jesus. He is the only destination for my soul.
For a long time I've felt so unworthy of His love or mercy.
Whenever I've sinned and confessed all I've felt is misery, or guilty
for not feeling more miserable and penitent. Today I went up to
the front of church to pray during worship. I wanted to just feel
closer to God and let go of whatever I could. My friend Emmet
prayed for me during this time. He had some good encouragement
and guidance for me. While I prayed I saw myself as someone who
is constantly miserable. But I didn't know why. I felt like
I was doing what I should: confessing sin and trying to worship
God. But my approach was wrong. I come to God in a fashion
laced with shame. I feel ashamed for my neediness, for the
unfaithfulness, for my laziness. I feel that these are such
horrible things that it takes any possibility of joy away because there
is no reason for joy with that worldview. But then the song
Friend of Sinners came into my mind. Jesus doesn't put "bad
feeling tax" on us when we repent or come to get a good gift from
Him. He rejoices when we ask for something. Because in that
instant we are fulfilling our created purpose. We are supposed to
need Him. He is the giver of good gifts! He loves to love
His children. So when we come to him repenting, He's happy.
He's not shaking his finger at us saying, "bad dog!" He's
celebrating that a lost child has come home, again!
So from here on out, I'm in the Sinner Club. The only way to come
to Jesus is to accept that He loves sinners. And you have to
accept that you are a sinner to come to Jesus. I'm still trying
to accept this, but it's becoming a more welcomed reality.
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| it's out of my hands...
I've been experiencing a lot of anger, resentment and frustration
lately. The other night at work a lot of people came in at one
time. I didn't know why at the time, but I just got really
mad. I kind of took it out on my co-worker. I was okay
later, but I felt so ashamed. For the past couple weeks I feel
like my irritability-level has been rising. I've found myself
more apt to complain, criticize and judge.
On the way to home group last night I hit almost every red light
possible. I began to get really angry again. I was so
frustrated that I wasn't able to control the lights and fix them so
that they operate "more efficiently." Later, at home group I
figured it out. When there's a lot of people to serve at work I
feel out of control because I don't feel able to do my job as well as I
like. Driving, I can't control other drivers or the traffic
lights. In my relationship with Shannon I can't control how she
reacts to my questionable actions. In my everyday-to-day life I
can't control anything but my own actions, and even then I find it hard
to say no to sin.
Having seen that I feel a need for control, it felt really relieving to
be able to confess this to God. But I had to ask myself why I
needed to feel in control. The reason for this is that I just
don't trust life to work out in my favor. Basically, I don't
trust God to consider my own needs. Also, I'm afraid of looking
foolish, weak and incompitent. Confessing this really brought a
lot of relief as I began to understand it. I found it easier to
breathe and to not see the world in dark colors, but as a place for fun
and life-giving experiences.
Ultimately though, I found that I am more concerned with how I look
than how God looks. He says to "first seek the kingdom and all
these things will be added unto you." He's made the promise and
He is trustworthy. So now I find myself at a place of longing to
trust Jesus. I want to give over every doubt in His ability and
desire to take care of me and to live my life for Him. I suppose
that this is really just another form of denying myself, picking up my
cross and following after Him.
I remember Jerry Springer saying that "life is a game, have fun with
it." That's too true. I personally feel that we've all been
dealt a hand. We may not be able to win the game (depending on
what 'win' is defined as), but we can have fun. I can recall as a
child not even considering the consequences of doing something I knew I
shouldn't. I would just do it. These days, I focus so much
on the consequences that I forget how much I want that thing that is
"forbidden." What's helped me to revert in this manner lately has
been my love for Shannon. She gets back to the states on March
20. I'm going to see her on March 21. My manager didn't
sound too pleased or willing to help me out in this. And I
realize I'm being a bit selfish, having already taken off two weeks to
see her in Bolivia. But I don't care. If they fire me, then
I'll quit first! I don't want external circumstances to determine
how I live my life, specifically how I show my love to Shannon and
Jesus. A lot of things are out of my control. I can accept
that now and be at peace with it. But nothing can control me so
much as to keep me from loving my Savior and Lover.
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| dissatisfied, but waiting...
It's Sunday today. I got up with an aching back - I had pulled a
muscle playing soccer on Thursday and answering a phone on Friday....
so lame. I took a shower, emailed my girl in Bolivia and then
went to church. Arriving at church, I got the slides ready for
the worship services. It took almost an entire hour because we're
beginning to use a new software, but it works really well and looks a
lot better, so it was worth it.
During church I just couldn't connect, for a lot of reasons. The
first one was that I was doing the slideshow through both
services. I think I'm beginning to get a little bitter about
this. I haven't really a had a chance to just take in worship or
the message for the past two weeks, and as much as I'd like to be a
great servant, I'd really like to be able to receive. The second
reason was that I felt God softening my heart toward sin in
general. I feel like I've become very callous to how sin affects
God and my heart has not been broken over my sin of the sin of others
for quite some time now. It makes me question my true committment
to Him. I remember how I used to breakdown and weep over the sin
I committmed. I'm not sure if I've just grown out of that (and I
hope I have and that this is a good thing, because I really don't like
drama) or if it's something that I should do and my hard heart keeps me
from being touched. I tried to take this to God, but found too
many distractions because of the slideshow responsibilities.
All of this really just began to weigh on me. I've finally, after
a long time of not wanting to, begun to desire the worship of
God. I feel like God's been cleaning up my heart and mind and
paving the way for His worship to reside within me. I have an
idea of what that looks like for me. I've been trying to get to
that place of worship for a really long time too, but it just doesn't
seem to happen. There's so many things that I just haven't been
able to let go of: judgment of fellow Christians, judgment of people in
general, doubt of God's love, sins of lust, desire to escape reality
through gaming or entertainment... I feel like I'm just trying to
find my place in God's heart and all the ideas and plans I've had keep
getting rejected.
I asked a good friend to pray for me after the second service. I
know that God was really speaking through me because the guy called me
on "giving up" whatever God brought to mind. I found this really
hard mainly because I usually voluteer stuff like this. I'm not
used to be called out because I usually call myself out first, or else
hear God speaking to me about that. After thinking about that
prayer afterward I've become aware that I'm hiding from God. I'm
not bringing my all to Him, which I've known for a while, but didn't
realize the implications it had.
I think the thing I've wanted for so long was for me to wake up one day
and that my chief desire would be to worship God and that it would
remain so from that time forward. I really believed that it would
happen like that for the last couple of years. I'm starting to
realize that it's not gonna happen. I know that God wants me to
worship Him, that I would truly find my joy in Him. but it seems
that it's not gonna happen the way that I want it to. It seems
there's things I have to do, or let go of, or believe first before that
will happen. I find this really discouraging, but at the same
time I remember the verse our pastor quoted today: "Do not be
terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with
you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9.
I long so much that God would lead me into the land of promise. I
want to have a heart of flesh that loves all humanity and desires
greatly that the One living God would be worshipped by all and adored
the same. I want to be in constant communication with Him.
But I keep finding myself blocked. I don't understand. My
heart is hard and I can't seem to soften it. So I guess the only
thing I can do is to wait, and to wait with patience and
integrity. My God has never forsook me, He will yet save me.
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| personal revelations & social migration...
Over the past month, my times with Jesus have been very bleak. I
haven't really known what I was doing. I found myself just
uttering meaningless words as though attempting to appease a pagan god
who knew nothing of my heart. And over the same past month, I've
been continually reminded that this life is about Jesus. I don't
mean to imply that this life as about giving him all the credit and
glory... it is of course, but that carries a different meaning to
me. What I mean by saying it's about Jesus is that Jesus is the
only thing... person... worth knowing. And of course there's no
knowing Jesus if you won't know of your neighbor, but that's another
talk, isn't it? Plainly, I've been impressed over and over that
my times with God are not light times where I do study or
homework. They're times of cultivation of a relationship that has
cost one of us everything. I feel it's high time that I start
taking it for everything it's worth.
Those last two sentences I wrote really cut me to the core just now,
even as I typed them. I guess I hadn't really seen it like that
before. I'd heard that Jesus died for countless times, but...
seeing my time with God in a personal light... that Jesus Himself died
so that we might talk and be close... it really impresses my
heart. Lord, please let me be ever grateful for your sacrifice
and gift of grace and the Holy Spirit. May I never take you for
granted again. Thank you my Lord. Amen.
.....
On another note, something of a hope has flashed before me. A
couple of posts on CNN.com have revealed that Democrats are rethinking
their political positions. One article said that Hillary Clinton
was pushing for people to push for lower abortions while still
maintaining a pro-choice view. I was impressed by what the
article said about her and other democrats. I'm very glad to see
that at least one of the political parties is finally taking their head
out of the sand and not holding on so firmly to very blind political
views, and are now attempting to embrace common sense, compassion and
hopefully what is best for the people.
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